


Keeping Your Head Up

by DPKhor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Kara has depression oops, Past Kara Danvers/Mon-El, Sanvers - Freeform, SuperCorp Beginnings, superfriends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-12 16:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11165427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DPKhor/pseuds/DPKhor
Summary: Post-Season 2Several months after the Daxamite invasion, Kara is readjusting to life. Lilian Luthor was finally behind bars and the world seemed to finally be at peace.Except it wasn't that way in her head.Something was bothering her.No, not something.She knew what it was.Yet, she didn't.It was all so frustrating. She hated feeling helpless, yet here she was, helpless. Could you blame her, though? It was one disaster after the other.Alex's kidnapping, and not too long after, she lost her boyfriend.She was drowning in her own fears.And she couldn't save herself.(Fic title taken from Birdy's song, Keeping Your Head Up (go give it a listen))





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, whoops, I wrote this when I was feeling overwhelmed one day, so bear with me. Also, I don't know much about what happened post 2x09 except for what people have been posting online, so apologies if all the characters seem a little OOC. 
> 
> Just to clarify things, I'm not the fondest of Mon-El, which is why besides the little mentions of him, the story revolves around Kara's own thoughts throughout her journey as Supergirl.

It was like she had been forced into a pool of ice cold water, the iciness washing over her, creeping across her skin in a dangerous caress. 

 

Kara wondered if this was what Alex felt like when she had been kidnapped. She shuddered at the memory.

 

The coldness washed over her again as she stared out at the city from her window. Creeping darkness forced its way to the base of her throat, making her feel sick. The darkness; consuming, _depressing_ , swelled up, until she wanted to scream. She wanted to tear her hair out, yell at everyone.

 

At the same time, she wanted to cry; to just break down and let it all out. She wanted it to go away. To just leave her _alone._

She couldn't bear the thoughts; of losing Mon-El, of almost losing _Alex_ , of nearly losing so many of her friends.

 

They weighed down on her, forcing her down, making her body feel like lead, rendering her superstrength useless. She felt suffocated, like she would be crushed by her own thoughts. Part of her hoped it would come true, that she would just crush from under the weight of it all - and she would lose all feeling. Why did it have to happen to her?

 

Why did she have to witness the death of her planet; her parents, her friends, her _people_? Why did she have to lose the last of her biological family (excluding Clark)? Why did everything seem to turn to hell the moment she decided to put on the cape and help people? She wanted to save people, but ended up putting them in danger. The Kryptonian Invasion, the Daxamite Invasion...Bizarro, Cadmus...maybe things would've turned out better if she had never given into her pride; given into her want to become a superhero and maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't be lile this at all if she had just died along with the rest of her pla-

 

"Hey, Little Danvers," Maggie's soft voice brought her back to reality. "You doing good?"

 

Kara wiped a tear that had rolled down the side of her face, clearing her throat. "Y-Yeah. I'm good."

 

Maggie noticed the action, wanting to ask but Alex approached the two.

 

"Hey, I got potstickers and pizza," the older Danvers sister grinned. Maggie watched as Kara's conflicted expression changed immediately into one of excitement. Unlike past times when she could tell that the blonde was genuinely excited, she could still see Kara's turmoil, as if it was a heavy cloak that shrouded her that Maggie was sure even Alex noticed - but if she had, she chose not to say anything about it.

 

Kara, despite her feign excitement, couldn't stomach the food. All she wanted to do was go to sleep. Forever, preferably.

 

She curled up on the sofa, just staring blankly at an episode of...she wasn't even sure what she was watching. Alex and Maggie were both...doing couple-y stuff, not that she minded. They were engaged, and she was happy for her sister.

 

She couldn't help but feel like she was messing up somewhere. There had to be a reason her life never seemed to work out the way she wanted it to. Sure, she picked up a few lessons here and there - and she was grateful for them, but things just never seemed to be going right. She had lost control over her life. You'd never hear her say that, though. 

 

The same sinking feeling settled in her chest, tugging so painfully it felt like her heart was trying to literally drop to her stomach. It was worse than seeing Alex almost lifeless in the tank. Everything closed in around her; her fears, her worries, her failures...

 

She couldn't breathe.

 

She was drowning.

 

With every gasp she let out, she only seemed to be losing air. 

 

She was suffocating.

 

She was being smothered.

 

She was helpless.

 

She was a failure.

 

A disgrace.

 

A-

 

"Kara!" 

 

Alex had placed a hand on her shoulder, drawing her away from the pit of water she had seemed to created in her mind - a lifeline she clung onto desperately to keep her head just above the water. Her hands reached up to take Alex's, clutching her arm tightly. Alex wrapped her in a hug, settling on the space next to her sister. Maggie stood by, resting a hand on Kara's shoulder 

 

Kara hadn't realised she was crying - sobbing, even. Alex hushed her, murmuring comforting words. She felt the ache in her heart grow worse despite the knowledge that she wouldn't have to go through it alone. Alex stayed by her side until she fell asleep, and even after, she stayed. Maggie shifted the bottle of beer in her hands.

 

"Is she going to be okay?" she asked, worriedly. True, she and Kara had never seen eye-to-eye but they were going to be family soon - and family meant that they were in it together; through thick and thin.

 

Alex shrugged, looking over at Kara's bed, where the blonde was asleep on. The clock inched closer to midnight.

 

"She's...been through a lot," Alex said. "She's never...really given herself a break."

 

Maggie hummed, pursing her lips. "She knows I'm with her, right?"

 

She was worried that Kara might think Maggie was trying to steal Alex away from her - timewise, of course.

 

"I'm sure she does," Alex assured her fiance. It was strange, but a good kind of strange, to refer to Maggie as her fiance. 

 

"You think it might be PTSD?" Maggie lowered her voice. "She had just lost her boyfriend."

 

Alex frowned. She never really liked Mon-El and his typical frat boy attitude but Kara loved him; and to be fair, he _had_ been trying to change, so she tolerated him.

 

"Maybe. I can't say - and I doubt she'd want to actually see someone about it," Alex sighed, brow creasing from worry for her sister.

 

"It runs in the family, huh?" Maggie tried to lighten the mood. Alex smiled, though she couldn't shake the worry she felt for her younger sister.

 

She hoped things would get better for her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara heads to CatCo.

The two ended up staying the night. Alex woke first, to find Kara freezing as she paused at the door. 

 

"Kara?" she mumbled sleepily. "Where are you going?"

 

Kara turned around and flashed her a smile. For a second, Alex believed that everything was alright, but she knew otherwise.

 

"To work...?"

 

"Are...you sure?" Alex didn't want to sound like she was trying to belittle Kara.

 

"Yeah," Kara nodded, expression growing more serious. "I...I feel a lot better than before."

 

Alex shot her a small smile. "If you say so."

 

As Kara opened the door, Alex spoke up again, "Oh, and Kara?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

The blonde turned, blue eyes looking at her sister.

 

"I-...We're here, if you want to talk," Alex said, gesturing to Maggie's sleeping form. Kara smiled appreciatively, nodding as she stepped outside, closing the door. 

 

A single tear ran down the side of her face as she entered the elevator.

 

She took the bus to Catco. She could've flown - but she didn't feel up to it. Reaching the office, James greeted her with a smile as they passed each other. Kara returned the smile, heading to her office.

 

James could see the distraught in her eyes, and paused, wondering if he should ask her about it. 

 

"Uh, hey, Kara," he spoke softly. She looked up from putting her bag on her desk.

 

"Oh, hey, James," she responded, furrowing her brow. "What's up?"

 

"How...are you?" he asked. "Not that you don't seem okay, but..." 

 

Kara straightened a little. "How did you...?...it's the crinkle isn't it?"

 

He shot her a slight smile, nodding. She sighed, smiling.

 

"I'm fine," she assured him and upon seeing his unconvinced face, continued, "Really. I've just been...feeling a little stressed lately."

 

He saw her discomfort and decided not to push her. "Well...take care. And...if you _need_ _anything_..."

 

He trailed off. "...you know where to find me."

 

"Thanks, James." She shot him a small smile. As he closed the door behind him, she exhaled sinking into her chair. She ran a hand through her hair. 

 

Shaking her head, she turned on the computer to get to work.

 

-

 

Cat Grant knew.

 

Kara fidgeted as she made her way to the CEO's office, bumping into people. Most days, it was because of her clumsy facade she put up as Kara Danvers but recently, it had mostly been because she was distracted.

 

She hadn't expected Cat to know what was happening, but then again Cat Grant knew it all. Of course she'd have noticed Kara - in her distracted haze - spill coffee over _more_ than just _one_ of her coworkers, just standing around and staring into _nothing_ , trying (and failing) to hide the tears whenever she made the smallest mistakes.

 

And then there was the fact that Supergirl was just _pulverised_ in a fight against an alien monster and close to having a panic attack before DEO agents stepped in to help.

 

She stood by the open door, clearing her throat. Cat looked up at her, the usual unamused expression on her face.

 

" _Kiera_ ," she said, standing. She motioned for Kara to join her on the balcony. Kara stood beside Cat, hands wrapping around the rail tightly but she was careful not to leave a dent.

 

"When you break a leg," Cat spoke slowly, clicking her tongue. "Well, when someone average breaks a leg, what do _you_ think they do?"

 

Kara folded her hands together, wringing them nervously. "They...let it heal. _Rest_."

 

She glanced sideways at her boss, trying to see what she was trying to get to.

 

"Right," Cat rested her forearms on the rail. "The same goes for when they don't feel too well... _up here_."

 

She tapped her right temple, looking pointedly at Kara.

 

"Miss Grant?"

 

"You need a break," Cat sighed when Kara still couldn't understand. "God knows you deserve one."

 

Kara frowned. "But it's my job."

 

"And you can't do your job if you're sick, can you?" Cat folded her arms. "The girl I saw today, the hero out there today...that _wasn't_ Supergirl. That _wasn't_ Kara Danvers."

 

Kara felt tears stinging her eyes and turned her eyes back to the city.

 

"I...just want to do better."

 

Cat was silent for a moment. "When I was about 16...my mother forced me into a godforsaken prep camp. I hated every second of it - and how they forced everyone to...say _nice_ things about others - even though the world doesn't work that way.

 

"They called it affirmations and they believed every person deserved to be affirmed. I thought I was too... _hated_ to get any - but I did. Many from people I barely knew," Cat turned to Kara, the reporter refusing to look at Cat. "...and I want to affirm you today, Kara. You're doing an _amazing_ job at what you do."

 

Kara wanted to cry; she _was_ crying.

 

She felt like she didn't deserve anything Cat was telling her. Cat might have been sincere, but Kara couldn't bring herself to accepting it.

 

"Take the day off, Kiera," Cat turned her head back towards National City. "Or the week. Take however long you need to get better."

 

"I...I can't-..."

 

"Yes, you can. Don't make me fire you, Kiera," Cat raised an eyebrow. " You're doing more than enough as Supergirl for now. Go home."

 

Kara finally mustered up the courage to look at her boss.

 

"Make some tea, or coffee, or whatever you drink to relax," Cat continued. "...if it gets too much, I guess I can clear my schedule."

 

Kara hugged her. "Thank you, Miss Grant."

 

"Yes, yes," Cat cleared her throat, returning the hug, though briefly. "Don't come back until you feel better."

 

Kara nodded, wiping her eyes. She pulled away from the hug, taking a deep breath before she headed back to her office to gather her things and head home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SuperFriends coming up next chapter *party noises*


	3. Chapter 3

As Kara opened the door to her apartment, the weight on her shoulders didn't seem so heavy. Don't get her wrong, she wasn't elated or anything but she wasn't overly sad, too. She...didn't seem to feel as... _deeply_ as she usually did.

 

Her phone buzzed with a text.

 

_Alex [1.23pm]: Superfriends gathering tonight? I'll invite everyone_

Kara smiled to herself, thankful to have someone like Alex in her life.

 

_Kara [1.24pm]: Sure :P I'll order takeout_

_Alex [1.25pm]: See you tonight, then. Love you :*_

_Kara [1.25pm]: Love you, too :*_

She smiled, genuinely this time. She felt immensely better than she was several hours ago. Maybe she just needed to give herself time to cry and let out all the disappointed feelings she had been having lately. 

 

Yeah, things were starting to look up for her.

 

-

 

The knocks on her door brought a grin to her face. She had just put down the take out on the counter when the knocks started. She opened the door, letting Alex, Maggie, Winn and James in. Winn threw his arms around Kara, hugging her tightly.

 

"I hope that alien didn't fry your brains out," he lamented, planting a firm kiss on both her cheeks, then her forehead. Kara stifled a laugh.

 

"Winn, what are you doing?"

 

He took both her hands, looking her in the eye. "To be completely honest, Kara..."

 

He took a deep breath. "...Maggie dared me into doing this. I'm sorry-Don't kill me!"

 

He quickly ducked away, prompting the Girl of Steel to laugh. She closed the door, a little disappointed the Luthor she invited couldn't make it.

 

"It's nice to see you smiling again, Little Danvers," Maggie chuckled, putting the six-pack into the fridge. James balanced a few boxes of pizza on his shoulder as he opened the freezer to put the ice cream in.

 

"Potstickers, pizza and Thai food, where could you possibly go wrong?" Alex raised an eyebrow.

 

"Uh, booze, obviously," Winn raised an eyebrow. "Jimmy, show them the package!"

 

James rolled his eyes. "Get it yourself, Winn. My hands are full."

 

It felt nice, _normal_ , to have her friends here, bickering and laughing at unfunny jokes. Winn picked up the one bag left by the door, pulling out a bottle of liquor.

 

"Alex and I have been working very closely on this," Winn said. "An alien-human beverage designed to kick your head off your shoulders."

 

"You do not say that about alcohol," Maggie raised an eyebrow. 

 

"And when you said 'Alex and I', I think you mean just 'Alex'," James said, setting the pizza down. Alex cocked an eyebrow, nodding as she took a sip from the bottle she had just opened.

 

"Thank you," Alex scoffed. Winn shrugged.

 

"I suggested it."

 

"By suggesting, you mean complaining about how you wanted to taste whatever aliens drank?" Alex raised an eyebrow. Maggie grabbed a few glasses from the cabinet, placing them on the already crowded table and poured each of them a glass.

 

"First taste test?" James raised his glass.

 

"Better friends," Winn toasted.

 

"And family," Maggie winked, glancing at Kara. The superhero raised her glass, smiling.

 

"To friends and family."

 

They clinked their glasses, each taking a sip.

 

"Okay, wow, that was terrible," Maggie coughed as Winn immediately rushed to the sink and spat it out.

 

"But, damn, does it have a punch," James shook his head, inhaling sharply. Kara just shrugged when they looked at her. 

 

She was never a big fan of liquor, especially after that one time she got drunk.

 

"I'm just starving," she said, opening one of the boxes of pizza and diving right in. Her friends laughed, following suit.

 

They watched a marathon of Star Wars (since Winn won the coin toss), their little gathering lasting late into the night. It was filled with terrible puns like;

 

_"Luke, I am your father," James mimicked, raising his fist._

_"No," Winn gasped melodramatically. "No, noooooooooooooooooo-dles_."

 

_Maggie snorted, bursting into laughter. Alex caught the box of pizza when Winn's Jedi impression involved accidentally flipping the table over. Kara caught the rest, thankfully, the blonde also bursting into laughter._

Back in the present, Kara was cleaning up the apartment with Maggie, while Alex helped James carry Winn (who was knocked out cold) to his car.

 

"Thanks for this," Kara said, softly. Maggie glanced at her, smiling slightly.

 

"It was nice."

 

Maggie waited for a response when Kara went still. When she hadn't received one, she looked up at the superhero, only to find Kara biting her lip as eyes glossed over with tears. Maggie put down the cloth she was holding and pulled Kara into a hug.

 

"Hey, it's okay."

 

"I...don't know what's wrong with me. I should be happy - why _can't_ I be _happy_?" 

 

Maggie rubbed her back comfortingly. "I don't have the answers you need..."

 

As Kara pulled away, she took off her glasses.

 

"...but I have been where you are before," Maggie continued softly. "...maybe not exactly, but I know what it's like to feel... _empty..._ to feel... _nothing_ but feel _everything_ at once."

 

Kara wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

 

"I mean, I was outed to my conservative parents who kicked me out," Maggie attempted to lighten the mood by chuckling. "...that's not something you can just shake off. Same goes for you. I know you're confused; _conflicted._ "

 

Kara met the detective's eyes. 

 

"We can help; we _want_ to help. But we can't do that if you don't want it," the detective continued. "And I know it's hard admitting that something's wrong; that _this_ is a moment of _weakness_."

 

Kara hated it. She hated the word. She hated feeling it.

 

_Weak._

"And maybe this is where you fall," Maggie shook her shoulder gently. "...but that only means that _this_ is where you _get up._ "

 

Kara swallowed. 

 

"We're here for you."

 

"I know." Kara continued cleaning up when she heard Alex's footsteps approaching.

 

"Hey, here," Alex said as she opened the door and moved to help the two.

 

"No, it's fine," Kara waved them both off. "Go home. I'll clean up."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah," Kara shrugged. "I mean, I have superspeed _and_ I don't have go to work tomorrow."

 

Alex looked at her worriedly. 

 

"Really," Kara assured her. She hated the look Alex was giving her. She knew that she was only looking out for her but she hated being.... _pitied._

 

Contradictingly, she _wanted_ it. She wanted people to just wrap her up in a blanket and do everything for her while she tried to figure things out. She wanted the world to know she was hurting.

 

But she didn't want to.

 

It was all so confusing for her. Alex hugged her tightly.

 

"If you need anything, call me beep me," Alex reminded. Kara smiled slightly at the reference which she picked up on. As the door closed behind the happy couple, Kara deflated, leaning against the counter. She was exhausted. 

 

She never felt so exhausted before just from... _socialising._ She just wanted to go to sleep but decided she could do some stress cleaning.

 

Some semi-supersped minutes later, she was putting away the last of the trash when a knock came at her door, making her panic for a moment until she saw who was behind the door.

 

She hurried over to the door, opening it. Blue eyes met green.

 

"Lena?"

 

The Luthor held up a bottle of wine. "Surprise!"

 

She paused, taking in a quick glance around the empty apartment and her grin turned into a semi-guilty smile. "I missed it, didn't I?"

 

"Uh, just by a few minutes, actually," Kara admitted, hoping it didn't show that she had been crying not too long ago. She adjusted her glasses, clearing her throat.

 

If Lena noticed, she didn't mention. "Oh, I'm sorry. With work and everything-..."

 

"It's fine," Kara waved it off. "Here, come in. I have some leftovers."

 

"Are you sure? I could just drop by tomorrow," Lena replied, bashfully. 

 

"Get in here," Kara grinned, a sudden swell of happiness in her. Maybe it was because Lena wouldn't treat her differently - since she didn't know about Kara's not so upbeat moments.

 

She microwaved (heat-visioned) the leftover pizza as Lena poured them both a glass of wine. Lena raised her glass.

 

"To better days," she toasted. Kara froze, thinking that she knew, but upon seeing Lena's downcast expression, returned the toast.

 

"What happened?" she asked as they settled on the couch, a Disney movie playing on the TV.

 

"The usual," Lena shrugged. "One minor complication happens at one of L-Corp's facilities and everyone assumes I'm the villain. It was handled pretty quickly though, so that's fine."

 

"Is it... _something else_?" Kara asked, hoping she didn't seem too pushy. Lena's shoulders slumped as she sighed.

 

"I...don't know," she answered. "I guess it's just one of those days."

 

Kara didn't know how to approach the situation. Should she tell Lena she was having ' _one of those days_ ' too and cry with her about it? Or should she just say what everyone else would normally say about things getting better eventually? Because both those options seemed completely unacceptable to her.

 

"Are you...okay now?" Kara rubbed  the back of her neck unsurely.

 

"It's better with you," Lena admitted, prompting Kara to blush.

 

"Uh-...I-..."

 

Lena laughed. "You're a light in the dark, you know?" 

 

Kara didn't really feel like that at the moment. _Ev_ _en the light can become the dark_.

 

"Really?"

 

Lena nodded. "You can add that to the list of things you are; besides a hero and just such a powerful person."

 

Kara felt flattered and she felt her face heat up. She couldn't tell if Lena was a little drunk or still sober (but she told herself it was the former that was making the Luthor say all of this).

 

_A hero can fall._

 

_The powerful can become powerless._

 

Where were all these thoughts coming from? Tumblr? Kara couldn't tell. She kept her eyes on the young CEO, who had turned her attention to the TV while she munched on a slice of pizza.

 

"Can I tell you something?"

 

Lena glanced at her, green eyes staring into blue ones. "Anything."

 

Kara took a deep breath. "I...I haven't been feeling...too good lately."

 

Lena shifted her position, so she was sitting a lot straighter and turned her full attention to the blonde.

 

"It...just came out of nowhere and completely caught me off guard," Kara continued. "I don't want to...make you feel pressured to help me by telling you this but...there's  _no one_ that I trust more."

 

Lena bit her lip, nodding slowly.

 

"I think I need to clarify a few things, first," Kara set down her glass. "First..."

 

She reached up to her glasses, hands shaking slightly as she pulled the frame from her face. Lena's expression morphed from one of surprise, to slight knowing.

 

"Supergirl..."

 

"I shouldn't have kept it a secret from you," Kara shook her head, feeling a considerable amount of weight lifted off her chest. "...I wasn't sure how you'd react."

 

"Thank you," Lena reached over to rest her palm on Kara's shaking hand. "For trusting me with this."

 

Kara felt tears in her eyes. She wiped them away quickly.

 

"Secondly..." she launched into the events of the past few days, about her insecurities and fears and thoughts. Lena listened attentively and at the end of Kara's rant, she pulled the blonde into a hug.

 

"I've heard everything you needed to say," Lena said slowly. "And...I don't know if I can help you sort through them... _but_...I do know someone who does, if you're willing to give it a go."

 

Kara exhaled slowly, thinking about her friends and family; Eliza, Jeremiah, Alex, Maggie, James, Winn, J'onn...

 

...and nodded.

 

"I'll talk to him and see if I can set up a meeting," Lena rubbed her back slowly. "It's going to be rough up ahead...but we'll be there to keep your head up."

 

"Thank you." 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if this sucks. I was in a pretty suck-ish mood when I started it but writing my feelings out sort of...made it better but that made me lose track of where I was going with this so I apologise in advance. I'll probably review this again some time in the future but for now I'm closing this "book".


End file.
